Troublesome feelings

We all face the creeping feeling that anxiety brings from time to time. Once it rears its hideous head, it can feel impossible to push down. Anxiety has to be one of the ugliest states of being. It's slow burning, unapologetic and all consuming. Over at the New York Times there is a wonderful series that explore such feelings from a collection of talented writers. You can see more here.

Life as a bum

Due to unforseen and rather unexpected circumstances I will be in New Zealand until May. This officially extends my status past beyond 'holiday' into the murkey area of 'unemployed bum'. I have been relishing the experience and trying to do things I genuinely enjoy, even if other people might consider it straight lazy. 

1. Lying on the couch and listening to favored albums while doing nothing at all. Just closing my eyes and listening intently. No multi-tasking allowed.

2. Staying up till guilty hours reading books and sleeping in till equally guilty hours.

3. Walking to local gardens when the sunshine allows and taking pictures of plants, flowers and wildlife. I used to think my parents were ridiculous for obsessively taking pictures of orchids but now I get it, sort of.

4. Worrying absently about my depleting funds (no income for a bum you see) but then realising that a hiatus of relaxation is way more important than money.

5. Going to the movies alone in the middle of the day.

6. Visiting local opshops and pillaging the magazine section for old copies of National Geographic. The pictures and articles are ahhhhmazzing.

7. Writing letters to loved ones in a relaxed and orderly letter writing manner. This involves sitting at the dining table with an assortment of coloured pens, magazines for collaging, scissors, blank paper, a cup of jasmine tea, and some biscuits on a plate. 

7. Developing film. Always a treat.

8. Taking 3 hours to prepare for an evening date. Bubble bathing, air drying hair and manicures and pedicures.

9. Scouring magazines for amazingly complicated meals, heading to the supermarket for ridiculously specific ingredients and  spending the afternoon cooking.

10. Making leisurely to do lists like

-wash hair

-watch parks and recreation

-trim and paint toenails

-sleep for 9 and a half hours

-pen love letter for boyfriend

(if only more to do lists were this enjoyable)

11. Visit  amazing local exhibitions at galleries like this one.

12. Make mix tapes and channel all artistic power into the homemade cover art.

If you're lonely when you're alone, you are in bad company

 My new koto fingernails (I have weird fingers I know, the kids at school used to call me E.T)

Two images from Rinko Kawauchi's Cui Cui

My owl/recorder. My boyfriend puts me on mute when we skype.

New salt and pepper shakers. Smitten.

 Mum and Dad

Enthusiastic young Japanese boy about to eat a biscuit

Inspiration boards

My brother spent one summer out in the middle of nowhere roaming the land, hunting and living in a small shack. I always romanticised the idea of heavy duty 'alone time' but never indulged in it. I pictured myself in a deserted cottage in the quaint countryside with nothing but a camera, a stack of books and enough food to last me a few weeks. Of course, such a fantasy never eventuated as I was too busy spending holidays and down time with friends and family. My brother and I are polar opposites and I find he is shy around everyone, even me, his own sister. What it took me a while to understand is that he truly enjoys his own company and is a bonafide master of alone time. When I first arrived in Japan I freaked out. I was all alone, rattling around in my apartment and totally uncertain about what to do with myself. I had no friends to call up for a coffee, no one to party with, no boyfriend to fall asleep next to at night. My loneliness was all consuming. It made me feel uneasy. I spent the first night crying in front of Japanese game show television while sipping on beer and eating a banana. There might have even been a panic attack. While I was supposed to be feeling elation that my plans had finally came to fruition I woke up in the mornings and felt nervous. Bit by bit I'm starting to enjoy my own company and happily embarking on adventures by myself with no degree of self consciousness. Even though it's a bit dorky I have to come to realise I am okay company and there are so many things around me that inspire. Lately I have been making image boards for inspiration, devouring photography books, practicing on my koto with my politically incorrect ivory and leather fingernails, creating horrendous tunes on my owl recorder, rifling through old pictures of mum and dad and collecting weird and wonderful Japanese confectionary packaging.